What Hurts The Most
by ilovetvalot
Summary: Written on a dare from Angel N Darkness and her song prompt challenge. Hotch needs a special blessing...can he get it?


_**Author's Note: This was written on a dare from Angel N Darkness. I hope you like it. And, of course, I couldn't have done it without the invaluable assistance of my co-author, beta and friend, tonnie2001969. Let us know what you think.**_

**What Hurts The Most**

Dropping onto the concrete bench, Hotch shivered as the cool fall wind wrapped around him. Sighing heavily, he stared straight ahead at a monument in the far distance. "Well, I'm here. Again," he said softly. He didn't expect an answer and knew none would be forthcoming. She couldn't answer him. Not anymore. And he bore a certain measure of responsibility for that sad, simple truth.

Dropping his eyes as he stared at the marbled grey tombstone, he swallowed the lump of emotion clogging his throat as he read her named etched on the concrete slab. Haley Hotchner. Beloved Mother. Shaking his head, he took a deep breath. "I guess I don't need to tell you that things are changing for me, Hales. You see it all up there, don't you?" he asked rhetorically, glancing toward the heavens, a fast moving cloud floating through the sky.

As if she was manipulating nature itself, birds began singing in the maple trees behind him. Smiling sadly, Hotch nodded. "He's doing good, Haley," Hotch whispered, knowing that there was only one "he" in the world his dead ex-wife would care about. "His teachers say he's gifted," he softly informed her. "But then, we already knew that, didn't we? Talking in complete sentence at a year old wasn't exactly something we could ignore, was it?"

"And, good God, he's growing, Haley! He's turning into a little tank," Hotch laughed, images of his son flashing through his mind. Clearing his throat as he became somber once more, Hotch continued more quietly, "But, you probably realize that I'm stalling. You always could see right through me." Pausing as he gathered his courage, he had to laugh at himself a little. It wasn't as if she could scream back at him. Lodging any objections she might have from the Great Beyond to his news would be a feat of epic proportions. But, if anyone could accomplish it, he didn't doubt it would be his late wife.

Clasping his hands between his knees, Hotch leaned forward on the bench. "I'm taking your request to heart, Haley," he began earnestly, swallowing as he found his words. "The one about teaching Jack about love. I...I found someone, Hales. She's a wonderful woman. A woman that I never expected to fall in love with. You know her...knew her. It's Emily. Although, I probably always referred to her as Prentiss back then." Inhaling deeply, Hotch forged ahead, his feet inching forward on the faded grass. "She reminded me that life was for living. After you died, it was her that dragged me out of the darkness...forced me to begin living again. Badgered me into making sure I taught our son the meaning of living."

Lapsing into silence for a few moments as he listened to the complete silence, Hotch eyed the deserted cemetery around him. So cold. So lonely. And he felt guilty for not visiting more often. "You'd like her, Hales. She loves Jack, too. Hell, I think she fell in love with him before she even paid any real attention to me. And Jack loves her back." Biting his lower lip as he gazed down at his tightly clasped hands, remembering the golden ring that had once graced his finger, he whispered, "No one can ever take his pain away from losing you. There's no replacement for that kind of love. But, Emily's taken that shattered look from his eyes. And I know you'd want that for him."

Sighing heavily, he felt tears rising in his eyes as his gaze once again found that solitary monument to his ex-wife. "She's good for us, Haley. Good to us. And if Jack couldn't have you in his life...I can't think of anyone better than Emily. She's everything you would have wanted. Loving, loyal, dedicated, smart...she's everything either of us could want for him. And I love her."

Exhaling slowly as he felt a relief from saying those words aloud, Hotch shook his head, "I think what hurts the most is that you can't see how far our little boy has come...how far we've both come since that horrible afternoon. And a large part of that is because of Emily. A huge part, actually. Sometimes, I think the only reason we healed was because of her determination. But the important thing is that we did heal. Jack and I. We'll always miss you. And Jack is always going to know you loved him more than anything on earth. Emily and I will make sure of that. And I know he's always going to love you. He's the best of both of us, Haley. And I'll always love you for giving me that gift. But," Hotch winced, drawing in a shuddery breath, his shoulders stiffening underneath his jacket, "I have to move on. With the woman that owns my heart now. With Emily."

"So," Hotch said with a sigh, rising from the bench as he shoved his cold hands in the pockets of his black overcoat, "this is goodbye." Pressing a kiss to his fingertips, he laid it against the cool stone as the sun suddenly shone on his face, the clouds miraculously parting. Smiling at the sky, he whispered, "I'm going to take that as your blessing. Thank you."

And that ray of light followed him all the way home.

_**FINIS**_


End file.
